Welcome.

Welcome.

Welcome.

Welcome.

This is Trippin in the Kitchen, y’all, and I am so, so, so, so, so happy to have you here with me today. Fellow bloggers, future sponsors, oh yeah and readers—you shall be nothing less than delighted by the content I have for you.

Welcome.

To help you feel more comfortable with this new space, I took a selfie. 

Disclaimer: no Photoshop was used in the making or distribution of this photo. All appearances are my own.

As you can see, I was very fashionably donning my ugly Christmas sweater the other day.

Why?

Because I am a devout follower of the one and only God. This attribute of my persona dictates that I wear that sweater, without fail, at least once per year. It is a burden I must bear.

The ugly Christmas sweater may also remind you of the time of year. It is Christmas season. Not holiday season, much as those silly libtards would have you think otherwise. 

Christmas. Season. OMG.

Christmas season means snow.

Christmas season means cold (don’t you agree? I find cold weather very inconvenient. It makes my upper-middle-class suburban life difficult. I must wear extra layers. The heating bills skyrocket. On that note, I am very grateful for the sacrifices made by the plants of the Carboniferous Era to grant us fossil fuels).

But most importantly, Christmas season means food.

Not that food is not important during other times of the year, but it is especially important during this time of year because of all of the Christmas (not holiday) celebrations we experience during these times. They flow through us and they immerse us in goodness and love. We stuff our maws with peppermint bark and ham with abandon, satiated by the mere thought that our gorging, while not uncommon to the other three seasons, is now condoned by tradition.

You probably didn’t know that there are several foods and flavors associated with the Christmas season. We have ham and gravy. Peppermint and chocolate. Orange and spice.

But now it Christmas has nearly come and it is about to go. This makes me sad because I am mentally an eight-year-old girl who just knows she’s going to get the latest fifty-dollar seasonal Barbie doll in the morning despite the fact that I am actually a twenty-something with all of the kitchen appliances and cookbooks I could possibly need and that includes a cake pop-maker and a few dozen Le Creuset specimens.

Why am I telling you this?

I don’t know. I’m fucking depressed. I need someone to talk to besides my mom who is sitting here watching me type and now she’s clucking her teeth and is about to waddle away. Fuck that bitch. I’m going to move out of here any day now.

The Christmas season may be nearly over, but that does not mean I cannot bombard you with DIY GLUTEN-FREE GIFTS IN A JAR or LAYER CAKES THAT WILL MAKE YOUR GUESTS SPONTANEOUSLY ORGASM or FIVE THOUSAND WAYS TO FIT CARROTS IN YOUR SPHINCTER.

I like to think of myself as a non-conformist. All year long, I wear Santa hats and sing Christmas carols and nobody looks at me strangely because they know that’s just how I am.

(For the record, the only people who know I do this are my parents and that kid who lives here for a few days a month. I forget his name. He’s kind of a dick.)

What does this all mean?

Tomorrow, you will find I have posted my first recipe, which will likely be a Christmas-themed roast or cookie from AllRecipes or that edition of Bon Appetit that I do not actually have but found on Epicurious.

Not that it matters.

I hope your jimmies have been soothed and your bellies have been prepared. This has been the “Welcome” to Trippin in the Kitchen.

Welcome.